HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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