Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
