Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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