my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
