Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
