false alarm. still invincible.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
