Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
