My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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