Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
