i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
