In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
