She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
