I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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