Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
