I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
