You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
