Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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