threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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