I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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