we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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