Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
