Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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