Welp...herpes.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
this just has baby written all over it
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
