Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
