just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
