please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
