Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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