I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
