So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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