I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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