I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Boobs speak an international language.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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