A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
