Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
