You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
