Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
