she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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