the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
