i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
