You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
