You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
is wine microwaveable?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
