I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
