even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You can't just leave with hair like that
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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