my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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