so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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