I just gift wrapped bread.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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