His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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