in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
