Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She told me I should be a condom model.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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