Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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