dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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