Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
