So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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