there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
