if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
